Never Healed at All
by jada jasmine
Summary: She misses lofts, literature, and cafes but she gets mansions, yachts, and alcohol. She’s aware that she drinks vodka more than water these days, and wonders what it was about Dan Humphrey that made her so good. Companion piece to Healed All Wrong.


Never Healed at All

**Never Healed at All.**

She wakes up in the morning, and swears she could hear the music of an almost famous band from the 90's drifting through the open window. She eats lunch and can practically see the fancy whatchamacallit Dan ordered at a stuffy French restaurant. She spends the first two weeks of her summer in a painful stupor. And then Nate Archibald showed up.

(She tries to think of him as her escape from pain, but she's only gotten better at hiding it.)

Flirting ensues, lunches on yachts and nights out on the town and she knows that he's falling for her again.

The most beautiful boy on the Upper East Side looks at her like she's the meaning in his life, and all she can do is lie to herself and smile back.

Serena isn't exactly sure about the moment when Nate and her became Nate and her. She remembers hazy nights filled with champagne on the dock, and waking up the next morning with Nate making her breakfast and kissing her while flipping pancakes. She could say no, or object, but one heartbreak is enough for the summer.

(What she doesn't know is that Nate had his heartbreak for the summer, but that girl's out of sight and out of mind.)

So she pretends she knows what he's talking about during a conversation about the magical night on the dock, and then she excuses herself to change and muffles her sobs in a pillow.

(Nate stands outside, hearing the entire thing. Then he walks away.)

When she walks back outside, makeup fixed and outfit changed, he smiles at her and holds her hand while they go for a walk on the beach. Both pretend like nothing's wrong.

(Even though, being the teenage drama that her life is, she feels like everything is.)

With her eyes closed, kissing a boy on the beach at sunset, she thinks she could like him. That she could be in a relationship with him, that she could maybe even love this boy with a blank stare and long hair. But then they stop kissing and she opens her eyes and the blue ones looking back at her don't fit. Then he opens his mouth to talk, and sweet nothings come out instead of the clever wit and caring tone that she's used to and her knees buckle a little. She thinks that the pain would've knocked her off her feet if Nate hadn't tightened his grip on her. (She doesn't kiss Nate standing up anymore.)

Later that night, with him on top of her in bed, she keeps her eyes closed and makes all the right movements and sounds. (All of a sudden she misses the cold and Christmas and snow.) When its over and he's sleeping, her phone rings and she reads the incoming message and drops the phone onto the expensive Egyptian cotton. She wakes up Nate, and fucks him with her eyes open, and wishes she didn't have to act. He sees the message over her head, and ignores the tears forming in her eyes.

(After all, he's always been the ignorant one in their group. Why should that change now?)

She misses lofts, literature, and coffee shops but instead she gets mansions, yachts, and alcohol before ten in the morning. She's vaguely aware that she drinks vodka more than water these days, and wonders what it was about Dan Humphrey that made her so good.

(It wasn't so much what Dan has. More like who she wanted to be when she was with Dan.)

She acts like the perfect girlfriend (someone should nominate her for a damn Oscar) and for a little while Nate actually believes her. But then they're making out on the couch and she accidentally says the wrong name and he freezes completely. She can see the hurt etched onto his features and for a second, she feels bad.

(At least now he'll know what Blair felt like whenever he was around Serena.)

He lets it go, and she realizes she's not the only one desperate not to be alone. Once, the two of them are walking in town, and for a second she could swear she sees Dan. He turns around and calls her name, while she rips her hand out of Nate's. Turns out to be a handsome acquaintance from her Georgina days. She doesn't even attempt to explain it to Nate. He just knows.

(She still hasn't figured out if that's a good or bad thing.)

One night, she wakes up after dreaming of Cabbage Patch Dolls and short stories and winter picnics, she turns toward Nate. He knows what she's going to say before she says it, and simply nods. She wonders how, and he smiles sadly at her.

(Why hadn't anyone ever told her that she talks in her sleep?)

So she ends the summer the same way she started it.

Pining for Dan Humphrey.

(Sometimes it hurts so much, she has to remind herself to breathe.)

**Sooo I actually didn't like this one as much. I don't think it made a lot of sense sometimes and I really hated the ending, but I couldn't think of anything else to add. But please leave a review, and tell me which half was your fave. **


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